You too can make the simple sound complex

Over-the-top descriptions don't reflect well on the office

Here's how I started my day today:

Hit the snooze button. Got up 9 minutes later. Put on my watch, visited the loo and weighed myself. Walked to my desk and turned on my computer. Clicked on a few newspaper websites. Read articles, decided which ones I wanted, then copied and pasted them into a blank document. I repeated those steps until I sent the newsletter at 9 a.m.

However, if I worked for a certain city handling FOIA requests, this is how I might have described the above.

Renewed timing of soundwaves emanating from external source. After passage of 540 seconds, lifted cranium from prone position. Secured chronograph on upper extremity. Released fluid buildup. Calculated heaviness of exoskeleton, epidermis and critical internal controls. Ambulated to fixed structure under plastic, glass and metal box. Launched audio, visual and cyber controls. Used invisibly tethered pointing device to bring forth facsimiles of printed tabloid informational compositions. Engaged visual and neural connectivity receptors to ingest information and execute conscious decisionmaking functions to accept or reject appropriate content. Applied pressure to a command square and another square depicting the letter C, then applied similar pressure to the aforementioned command square and one depicting the letter V to a canvas devoid of typography. Replicated post-ambulation procedures to achieve final results and mass dissemination at 0900 hours.

That’s because that’s the same type of language this FOIA office inserted into two different messages to a FOIA requester.¹

If the intention was to make the FOIA process sound overwhelmingly complex, it failed. All that superfluous verbiage does is make the office sound unprepared. As in, the lady doth protest too much. Are they trying to convince the requester or themselves?

Pro tip: It is much more helpful to tell requesters about what should be a routine administrative process using simple, straightforward language.

1. And if you're wondering, the initial request for multiple documents over a several-month period was estimated at $467.82. After the requester narrowed his request down to ask for one specific record on one specific day, the estimate was knocked down to $223.30. And here’s how they conveyed that:

“Happy to update estimate with narrowed scope and provide an updated estimated advance cost determination for the requested refined undertaking, as provided for under the Virginia Freedom of Information Act, which would include making reasonable charges, not to exceed the actual cost incurred in accessing, duplicating, supplying, and searching for any responsive record/document. In conservatively estimating the undertaking for what would be required for thoroughly searching per the request spanning the provided timeline/members/staff during that duration, a conservative updated determination is $223.30, which, due to the potential amount of work required, the final cost could likely be greater, possibly lesser.”